Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
