Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
