Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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