Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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