Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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