hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
