Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I look better un-naked...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
