Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
