Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
