this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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