yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
