There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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