Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
