I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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