so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
