Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
