You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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