he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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