My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
