someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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