oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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