we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
