At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
