My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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