Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
