I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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