I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
These tits shall not be calmed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
