there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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