I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
