did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I forget how to act sober
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
