I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
