My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
