yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am spending my child support on dildos
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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