don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
