the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
