i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
