You can't special order awesome
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
