We're facebook friends in real life
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
