Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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