Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
