Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
