I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
