it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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