I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
