SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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