So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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