Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
