sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
