On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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