I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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