then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
